


Survivor's Guilt

by chunkycheese53



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Sorry, Not A Fix-It, Not Beta Read, Survivor Guilt, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:14:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23301469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chunkycheese53/pseuds/chunkycheese53
Summary: Survivor's guilt: when a person thinks they've done something wrong by surviving a life-threatening event while others did not.Tony knows this feeling all too well.
Relationships: Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 1
Kudos: 24





	Survivor's Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, this is my first published fic so i really have no idea what I'm doing! I also don't know what possessed me to write it other than this quarantine, but please heed the warnings and tags. Be safe and hope you enjoy!

He had always felt like he was falling behind. He tried to keep up with the God's, and the aliens, and the other dimensions. He tried everything he could to protect the ones he loved, but he was only human and humans made mistakes. And as hard as he tried to stop the mistakes, he couldn't. It was written in his DNA from the start. It was like fighting a losing battle within himself. No matter how hard he tried, he could never stop it.

But his mistakes didn't just affect him. No, his mistakes kept costing lives because he couldn't save everyone. When he announced himself to the world as Iron Man he thought he could leave his humanity and his flaws behind as he donned on the suit. But as it turns out he was just a man in a metal can, pretending to be something much bigger and much greater than what he actually was or ever could be.

Pepper, bless her soul, tried time after time to convince him that it wasn't his fault. That no one expected him to do the impossible. But Tony knew deep down that wasn't true.

“The only reason I haven't cracked up is probably because you moved in. Which is great. I love you. I'm lucky. But, honey, I can't sleep.”

Try as he may, he couldn't get his brain to stop thinking. He tried to push everything down and consume himself in doing what he knows. He spent countless hours in the lab making suit after suit, blasting AC/DC as loud as he could get it to try to get that voice in his head telling him he was the cause of the problem. Anything to get that voice to stop telling him that she was next. He relied on her so much for his own happiness and mental stability, but it wasn't fair for either one of them. So he booked an appointment with a well renowned doctor and told him his story.

“I'm sorry. I'm not that kind of doctor. I'm not a therapist,” Banner paused. “But maybe you need one. You sound like you have survivor's guilt.”

Survivor's guilt. He heard that phrase before, but he couldn't place his finger on where until it hit him. Yinsen, in the cave while he was building the first suit. Tony told him what happened to his parents, how he had said nothing to his father before he had died, how he wished he could have taken their place. And Yinsen said it was a form of survivor’s guilt.

A wave of remorse washed over Tony as he remembered what had happened to Yinsen. It was his fault Yinsen had been murdered. He could have gotten them out together, he promised he would. But he didn't. Tony got out and Yinsen had paid the price for it. He died so Tony could survive.

His parents. Yinsen. New York. Sokovia.

Everything came to him like a crashing wave. Everyone has a lot in life. Something they must carry on their backs and try not to suffocate underneath the weight of it, and this was simply his. He was always the survivor. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't save everyone. But he was sick of causing problems and watching other people die while he didn't do anything to help them. He didn't know how to keep going while the shackles of death surrounded him everywhere he looked yanking him back every chance he tried to take a step forward.

\--- 

“Stop. Spare his life and I will give you the stone.”

_No. Please don’t do this._

He wanted to beg Strange. Strange had told him explicitly he would not hesitate to let him die if it came to protecting the stone. He needed Strange to uphold what he said. He wanted to die for this, he was ready to die for this. He would rather die by Thanos’ hand than to give him the stone. The second to last piece he needed to completely and utterly destroy half the universe. This was a noble death and he was ready.

Not to mention he was a dead man walking anyways. He was going to die any minute. He could feel it. He could feel the sharp piece of his suit slice into his organs every time he took a breath. Even if Strange gave the stone up it wouldn't change his outcome. Either way he was a dead man walking.

“One to go.”

But now it was too late. Thanos had taken the offer and Tony had once again survived. Only this time half of the universe would die and it was his fault. He didn’t know if he was going to die from the snap, but he silently begged it would take him as part of the half instead of anyone else.

\---

Only a few minutes had passed by since Thanos had taken the time stone when it happened. They had lost and as a result everyone around him was fading into dust. They had lost and now trillions upon trillions of people across the universe were dying because Strange had given up the stone because of him.

“Mr. Stark?”

_No God. Please, please no. Don’t take my kid. Take me, not my kid._

“I don’t feel so good. I don’t know what’s- I don’t know what’s happening.”

Not the kid. Never the kid. When Aunt May found out about Spiderman, Tony swore on his life that Peter would always make it back home safely in one piece. No matter what. He had vowed he would die before he let anything happen to Peter. So when he told Peter at the beginning of the trip this was a one way ticket, he only thought that about himself. The kid was supposed to make it back home no matter what.

“I don’t want to go.”

Tony couldn’t breathe. The time stone was given up because of him. And now, how was he supposed to look his child in the eyes during his final moments when he helped kill him in the first place?

“I don't want to go. Mr. Stark, please. Please, I don't want to go. I don't want to go.”

Tony could do nothing but hold his dying son while he begged for his life. He was utterly useless watching Peter turn to dust right before his eyes. He finally made eye contact with Peter and crumbled underneath the emotion of being the one responsible.

“I'm sorry.”

Peter had nothing to apologize for. He could never do anything wrong. Tony on the other hand had so much he needed to apologize for. But how could he ask for forgiveness for helping to kill half of humanity? How could he plead for forgiveness for the part he played in his child’s death?

He could feel his heart shattering into a billion little pieces as Peter vanished into thin air as if he was never there. The need for him to disappear overwhelmed him. He stared at his hand desperate to turn to dust and to follow Peter, but nothing happened. He waited with a bated breath and then was consumed with panic and anguish in the realization that he was not part of the half dead. He once again had survived.

\---

The survivor’s guilt ravaged his mind as he sat helpless as he recorded a last goodbye for Pepper. He didn’t know how to put what he was feeling into words, but he had to tell her one last time how much he loved her.

“Hey Ms. Potts-”

He wanted nothing more than to call her Mrs. Stark. Afterall, they were supposed to be married by now. By his calculations they were supposed to have been married just a few days ago, ironically on the same day he ran out of food and water. 

He had known since 2008 that she was the one. Even though Happy made fun of him relentlessly for the first few years, he had gotten her engagement ring before they had even started officially dating. She was it and he had always known that. But the thought of never seeing her in her wedding dress, never being able to call her Mrs. Stark, never telling her how much he loved being her husband was too much to mention.

“If you find this recording don’t feel bad about this. Part of the journey is the end… When I drift off I will think about you. Because it’s always you.”

He knew he should have been grateful for the extra time to tell her how much he loved her. But a small voice in the back of his mind reminded him that she wouldn't even see the video. He knew deep down the chance of her surviving the snap was little to none. With his track record, she was dead the minute she met him. There was a common denominator as to why everyone he loved died, and that common denominator was him. He was at fault. There was no other explanation. He always survived while those he loved didn’t. So he sat recording a message no one would ever hear, wishing it had been him instead of her.

\---

Pain ripped sharp talons in every breath he took. He knew this time there would be no escaping it. Tony knew as soon as Strange had held up his hand on the battlefield that there was no coming back from this. He knew this was the only way. Strange had traded the stone all those years ago in order to keep him alive for this very moment. Saving him like a pig for slaughter. His sacrifice was the one win out of the fourteen million outcomes. Tony knew before he had even snapped his hand that without question he wouldn’t survive this time.

“Mr. Stark? Hey– Mr. Stark? Can you hear me? It's Peter. We won. You did it, sir. You did it.”

But this time, he wanted to.


End file.
